Winning the Lottery

As a general rule I do not buy lottery tickets. My sister is forever asking, "How do you expect to win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket?" But still, I just can't make myself throw that money away knowing the odds. What are they....about one in a billion? I'd rather put that money in savings and have something to show for it in the end.

Paying an entry fee is kind of like buying a lottery ticket but, at the same time, it's oh, so very different. I am buying a person's opinion of my donkey on that particular day. In a way it's like a game of Russian Roulette. That's a scary thought. Anyway, on that particular day that judge's opinion is all that matters. We pay for it; we ask for it and, by golly, we get it!

When one pays that fee one is agreeing to accept that opinion. Take it with a smile even if you disagree. Why spoil the joy of the moment for the competitors who do win? They paid their entry fees, washed and groomed their donkeys, worked their donkeys, drove to the show and most importantly LOVE THEIR DONKEYS just like you do.

If you choose to purchase an opinion of your donkey take the outcome like a true sportsman; shake the winner's hand, look them in the eye and congratulate them. We are the examples our youth see. They see how we handle winning and losing. They will apply what they learn in these donkey shows to how they handle their future world situations where nothing is ever fair.

Let's treat each other the way we want to be treated. Let's help those around us instead of striving to get a ribbon or a point. When we see or know about an injustice, let's do our best to right it with the least amount of demoralization. Let's encourage one another instead of cheating to win or griping or stepping on someone else to get to the top. We all like and want to win but let's not make it at the expense of someone else.

I say an entry fee is much more than a chance to win. It is a chance to build relationships and celebrate with friends and strangers alike. It’s a chance to make a deposit in a bank that will last forever. It's a ticket that can be a winner every time.

Lightfoot’s ASSpect

A Barn Too Far

Brian and Theresa Puckett seriously need some help with their barn down by the road. Can you believe it only has two sides? Why I bet the wind whips straight through there on a cold January day!

Speaking of winter, I've decided those holiday parades beat the heck out of April's Ladies Driving Day. Those women tried to kill us. Let me tell you how the day proceeded:

Early that Saturday morning Kando, Roller and I were treated like royalty. There were treats, brushing and massaging all around. There were hay bags hanging in the trailer (I guess to camouflage the carts and harnesses up front) so we were excited to be loading into the trailer for what we assumed would be just a continuation of our little fun-filled day.

What a great ride, well...., until Kando got a little nervous. But, we didn't let even that ruin our appetite. Next thing you know we're harnessed and ready to roll.

This will show you what I know, but I thought I was with a great group of guys until they took off through that open-ended barn. I couldn't hesitate or make a plan. I had to walk right through or be left behind. I was half way to the other side when I realized I wasn't on solid flooring anymore. I could see plumb straight through gigantic holes to water underneath and a 40 foot drop to boot.  It’s a crying shame that the poor High Point Champion Bosco and his friends have to live here under these conditions. I am thinking about calling the Department of Donkey Services to report this injustice.

With that nightjennet (nightmare) behind me I settled into a ‘walk-somewhere’ pace and made a mental note not to come back this way ever again. I set out to think only pleasant thoughts for the rest of the afternoon.

By the halfway mark of the hike we had seen wild horses run straight at us with only a rock wall to save us, huge deer leaping through the woods, wild turkeys clucking and flapping and a few automobiles. Quite the adventure for six little donkeys and not so bad...but now we had to go back. And the long trip home loomed ominously ahead. By now we were all getting tired. Or, maybe I was the one getting tired.

First off, I didn't know ole Roller had it in him. But he could qualify for the Standardbred Sulky Race of the Year. He passed me neck and neck with a roaring Harley Davidson and Dayle yelling, “STOP.....STOP....STOP!"  the whole way. I kid you not. And he’s not even in shape.

Then those ridiculous horses showed up again. What on earth were they lookin' at? Have they never seen such fine equine specimens before?  Anyway, about then I realize we are headed back the way we came. What am I going to do? How will I get out of this? I AM NOT going back through that barn. No way, no how! I mean it!!!

 

One by one my ‘traitor’ friends pass me and walk through that dangerous building. Hermes tried to refuse but he loves and trusts his mom more than I love and trust mine (or he is dumber than a rock).  I guess he just didn't see the danger.

Well, my Mom sat patiently; she just let me stand there until the last donkey crossed. Last that is, besides me. Had she forgotten backing is my specialty? Especially, if I think it will get me out of doing what I don't want to do or go where I don't want to go. So, I decided to practice. Mom said the danger was in the road and I wholeheartedly disagreed. The danger was right in front of me. I could see the forty foot drop. I could hear the torrential roaring water. It was screaming, “Death trap!”

The other moms were hollering all sorts of ideas and I was mentally fending them off before Mom could try them. She was about to give up. I just know it. But, in her frustration, she changed her mind. I heard her say, "Just go away! I will get him to cross. He is going across."

And, finally there was silence on the other side.

She got out of the cart and turned me around. I thought, "Now we're seein' things my way." But, no! She used my specialty against me. I may never back again. The next thing I know I am in the middle of that barn. Now what am I going to do? She made me stand while she got back into the cart and there I am....10 steps in either direction to get out. I chose to be with my buddies as quickly as I could.

Once on safe ground again I heard Brian, the smart ass of the group say, "You know you should take him right back through." Thankfully, my Mom declined....or so she led me to believe. After we un-harnessed she walked me right back to it and made me go across several times.

Maybe my ‘buddies’ and I will put on a club fund-raiser one day and help the poor Puckett’s finish their little barn soon.

‘Til Next Time,

Lightfoot Lee

Lightfoot’s ASSpect

Project Runway

I’m beginning to think I am just one big project for my Mom. That’s what she does….no that’s who she is. I’ve witnessed it for 2 1/2 years now. She is working her hardest to turn me into this picture perfect little parade/show donkey. That woman needs a job!!!! It’s obvious her focus is askew.

She’s always having these ideas but other people have to carry have to carry the plans out. In October she got a puppy and I thought that was wonderful until it became my job to cart him around the farm. He is a cute little bugger but now I have to babysit??? She tells me having a dog around builds my character. I think stomping that extra 15 pounds of dead weight would enhance my resume in a superior manner by building my muscles and my reaction time.

Then the family invites themselves down from Michigan for Thanksgiving. That got her attention… for a couple of weeks.  But, once again, she engaged help cleaning her house.  It was littered with stacks and piles of “projects” (besides me) all of which she made Dad haul up into the attic until after Christmas.  But, keep in mind she’s looking for just the right… shall we say, partner to complete these tasks.

I’m optimistically hoping I see the end of the tunnel for 2011 with the cold temperatures sneaking in.  And, after all, she did let me stand next to the band at College Grove which has been the only bright spot of my long to-do list.  Maybe after we get through these 5 seasonal parades I can just be a donkey instead of a project; then again, Columbia Mule Day is just around the corner.

Until then,
Lightfoot Lee

Lightfoot’s ASSpect

All Donkeys To Arms

Donkey comrades, let me appeal to your sense of justice.  Let me beg for your cooperation in standing against donkey brutality.  I’m talking about the humiliation of being clipped naked.

Following is the detailed account of the events leading up to the State Fair which I have personally submitted in a report to the ASPCA:

Wednesday, September 14, I was tied in the driveway to a 16 foot gate and bathed with cold, yes, cold water.  I danced around so much I got soap in my eyes but I couldn’t help it.  Even though it was 85 degrees outside with the sun shining, it was cold!  My Mom just scolded me and said it wasn’t even really soap but an all vegetable based solution that cost a fortune and to stop being a baby.  As it turns out that was the best part of my day.

Once dried, I was cross-tied in the barn and the horrible buzzing of a thousand bees began to hover around me.  When they began landing on me I went into panic mode.  I am not about to stand still under those conditions.  The more I danced the worse things became.  My Mom and Aunt Dayle tried holding my ears.  Then when that didn’t work they put a clamp on my lip.  It hurt like heck but I was not about to give in.  By then they had moved down to my legs which are really sensitive and I just knew they would give up…..but they didn’t.

 After several breaks and what seemed like an eternity it was over.  I was moved to a cozy little stall and given hay and water.  I could hear them talking outside my stall and I overheard Aunt Dayle say, “I’m too old for this.  We may have to consider acing him next time.”  I thought I had “aced it" pretty successfully already.  Wait...does “aced” mean the same as “iced”?  I don’t want to die!  Please! No!!! I’ll be good next time.

That’s my version of what happened and I’m sticking to it.  If any of you wish to lodge a similar complaint just ask me for the address or phone number which I happen to have on speed dial.

On a lighter note, the fair was awesome, especially, Thursday night.  My friends and I got to go for a few hours and let little kids pet us and sit on us.  We had our pictures taken like a million times.  Then the best thing happened.  You can ask Sandy Carroll.  A band stuck up a number and I started dancing the happy dance.  It was fantastic!  I’ll go again.  I just love a band.  But, please next time let me go with all my clothes on.

‘Til Next Time,

Lightfoot Lee

Lightfoot’s ASSpect

            Hot and Hotter

This summer has been a scorcher. And, apparently, that is not enough torture to satisfy my Mom. She thinks it’s cute to haul my ass erhh…butt to every club function known within a 50 mile radius. What is up with getting up at the crack of dawn, getting a cold bath, rushing to get loaded up just to be tied to the trailer for hours on end? Does she not understand how hot it is? If only these new places she takes me to were air conditioned. But, no….one show did not even have cover. Can you believe that? And, then there are all these new things going on around. It takes me a while to figure out that the new sounds aren’t coming any closer and then some dingbat jumps out around the corner at me. Will I ever get used to that?  I’m thinking not.

Why can’t my Mom just be satisfied to let me lounge around and be a teenager?  I can think of a ton of things I’d rather do; continue practicing my knot untying skills for my Donkey Scout badge, maybe see if I can unlatch the gate and check out the property, or better yet, maybe I could learn to open the door to the feed room.  Yeah, that’s what I’ll work on next.  

‘Til Next Time,

Lightfoot

Lightfoot’s ASSpect

    Parades and Birthdays

 

Wow!  Fourth of July!  What a great day to be born!  I was so excited when I overheard Mom and Aunt Dayle talking about the 4th of July parade in Lewisburg.  What a way to celebrate my birthday.  Sure it was going to be hot but parades mean bands.  And bands mean music. Who doesn’t just love a band right?  And, the theme of the parade was “Happy Birthday America”, so appropriate on this, my special day.  I was singing “Happy Birthday to me, Lightfoot Lee”.

Well, Monday morning finally arrived and as we unloaded and began to suit up. I was searching the grounds for the band. WHAT? NO BAND? NO STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER? NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY?? Are you kidding me? How does one celebrate the 4th of July, a parade and my birthday with no band? What a let down.

I saw no need for walking the parade route when the entire lineup proceeded out of the parking lot right in front of us. But, the three of us… or should I say the six of us plodded along, last in the parade with a cop right on our tail!  Like I was planning on speeding or something.  I walked so slow I became my own parade; at least a half mile behind the last entry.  When we dropped out (as the last big hill came into view), that cop whizzed right past us as if a Krispy Krème was at the end of this 2 mile hike.  

From now on I prefer to celebrate my birthday in the pasture, with my friends. Oh, and don’t forget the band! 

‘Til Next Time,

Lightfoot

 

Lightfoot’s ASSpect

TDA Novice Show

Joe Haworth is my mortal enemy!  I loathe the sight of him smugly crossing his yard.  And, it all began Saturday, June 11th on what should have been my best day ever.  Why, you ask??  Well, let me tell you.  Apparently, he took my last column as a personal affront and challenge.  Or maybe he just likes trying to make us donkeys look bad.  When I said I could do an “easy trail course with my hooves tied behind my back and blindfolded," I guess it did sound a little like I was bragging, but…. I didn’t know he was gonna put large flying bats in a mailbox or clanging cannons in what I thought at first was a feed bag only to have it start making loud popping sounds as my mom threw it over my back.  I showed her right fast where those bags of cans belonged.  But, then she picked them right back up and put them on me again.  I was forced to walk about 15 feet with them clanging on my legs.  I have never been so scared in all my 23 months.  I’m scarred for life.

The rest of the day wasn’t so bad though.  I got to hang out with my buddies, munch on some delicious Bermuda and meet a couple of new chicks. Here I am with my favorite one. None of us minded all the affection, attention or picture taking either. But, the kids seemed to have the most fun of all.  This shindig only needed a band to help soothe my nerves after Joe’s fiasco and it would have been close (Yes, CLOSE – remember the trail class) to perfect.

Next year, if Joe is in charge of ANYTHING, I want to know beforehand.  Then maybe TDA should consider renaming the Novice Show something like Joe’s Rodeo Fun Day.

'Til Next Time,

Lightfoot Lee

Lightfoot’s ASSpect

Donkey Day Expo

May 2011

Okay……I get that my owner is excited about miniature donkeys; especially me. And, for good reason I might add. I spoiled her by being the genius donkey of her dreams. If I had it to do all over again I would pretend to be difficult on that obstacle course and I would NEVER allow videos to be filmed let alone posted for all to see. But I could do an easy course with my hooves tied behind my back while blindfolded.

So, she goes to your little club function, Donkey Day Expo,...puullleeaase. Are you kidding me? I didn’t even get to go. Then, she comes home with all your grand ideas on how to train. (I overheard her mention the name ‘Dawn Ware’ to Dayle. Who is she anyway?) Doesn’t matter, I’m not happy about any of it. She seems to think, NOW, that she can “LOOK” at my hip and I should move away. Plus, she is talking about Snigging and I thought I had her convinced about “No harness allowed”. Look! What are you doing? You are creating a nightjennet for me! Can you people get a life?

I’m minding my own business, eating in the pasture with my friends when she appears out of nowhere expecting me to do her bidding. And, she’s way more persistent than she used to be. She actually waits until I give in. It’s ridiculous!! I forbid her to attend any more training seminars presented by the Tennessee Donkey ASSociation. Got it?

'Til Next Time,

Lightfoot Lee